Is it my fault?

(Written by Anchal)

Is it my fault that I am a girl?

Is it my fault that I want to be successful?

Is it my fault that I need a tutor?

Is it my fault that the best tutor was a male?

Is it my fault that I hate all the men because of 1 incident?

Is it my fault that I finally decided to speak up?

It was a phase. A phase that I was never able to talk about. I didn’t. I was a kid 13 y/o who just wanted to get good grades at school and have some fun with my buddies.

There was nothing else I have ever for. I was falling short of time to complete my syllabus for the half yearly exams and needed a good mentor who can help me prepping for this.

So I went to him. He was my science teacher, a really qualified personality with super finessed skills. He has a full professional personality. I asked him if he’ll be my tutor or not? He denied and said he was not interested in having a female student at his coaching.

I felt sad and went on looking for some other guy to get help from but couldn’t find any. At that point of time he (sci teacher) was the only guy I have in my reach to get help from. So I asked him again and he denied. I kept on asking him and he kept on denying

But one fine day he agreed to me and said that he’ll teach me but in the afternoon, right after school alone. I felt a little scared about the “alone” part of his deal but the “fear of failing” 9th standard has terrified me more than the “alone” thingy. So I went.

He was behaving so strict and punctual at the start. I was scared but happy about the part that I’m getting taught by a very really good and professional guy.

It was Wednesday, the day we used to decode the complexities hidden in my chem textbook ha-ha. But that day, he changed his mood and asked me to take out my biology textbook.

I was not having that obviously because it wasn’t on the schedule. I apologized to him for not carrying the book 😦

He lightly said its okay with a smile. That was the first time he had given me a smile, I remember. I was doing maths as he clearly he didn’t want to go with chemistry.

I could smell something fishy in his behaviour and his eyes were on the door of the room as if he’s waiting for someone to come, or maybe he was checking if there’s someone around or not.

Then he started—-

Then he held my hand pretending that he just wants to check the diameter of my wrist but it wasn’t that. I saw her daughter sitting in the corner of the room we were in.

The strangeness in his touch was easily sensible. He moved forward towards me leaning on the bench in front of me and the sensible strangeness became the obviousness.

He started touching several other parts of my upper body, doing some shitty slutty talks with me. I was refusing in every way I could. I wasn’t getting a clue at that time.

I was scared and shocked. He said I have a good body structure and it’s tempting. I don’t remember his words but I’d never forget his eyes looking at me. Then he went on to my lips

With his ugly fingers, tracing the lining of it ughhh. Finally I was able to gain some courage and stop him, I started crying. Then he threatened me about failing in my exam and asked me to re-join him tomo.

He wanted me to re-join him tomo at classes only I wanted to have sex with him, he packed my bag and threw me out of the room. It was raining at that time and I did not have an umbrella or raincoat. I went home crying.

I couldn’t really say how I feel about it. I fell short if words and expressions while writing this because what I went through is something only I could feel.

My entire trust was broken. I trusted him like a child thinking him of as a teacher/ mentor and as a father but he made me realise that I should have thought before trusting that bastard with anything.

I didn’t give a second thought about going with him alone. I have never imagined that this could happen. What I expressed above was the least I could say. It was so much more than that!

I remember each fraction of time and how shitty I was feeling then. What made him do that with me? What did he get out of that? Was it so good to see a 13 y/o with terror in her eyes?

He legit did all that having her own daughter in that room. Did he ever thought that this could happen to her tomo anytime any day

This is the damn reason I never really can trust any guy or man around me. When I told my friends about what happened with me back there, it was me who was blamed for what he did to me

This broke me up more than before.

It is not safe in there for me, for us. In our lives we girls are surrounded by men most off the time. We came across them all day. From our rickshaw guy to a total stranger travelling along

In the locals. They’re everywhere. How do I know, who to trust who not to! Even if some guy/man looks decent and good, who takes the guarantee that he would not do that to me?

Even I have male friends, I spend most of my college hours with them, and I trust them somehow. But that fear in my eyes is constant. What if the guy sitting next to me in the class turns out to be like him? What if he too have a hidden demon inside which can appear any hour of the time.

How do I believe that my best friend would not do this to me? I cannot trust a single man out there.

It’s been five years since that incident but I feel it every time I find a guy looking at me with creepy eyes. I’m not telling that each guy/man is out to molest people but there’s no way I can find who’s like that or not/

So its obvious id be doubting everyone. Men are an asset to the society, so important for our existence and survival but some assets turns out to be asses and behave like that

I have lost my interest in guys because of this. If I ever find a guy objectifying me, there’s no chance that I’d talk to him ever again… I just can’t forget all this.

Please be careful of who you’re with. Don’t trust them. You get this from people you have least expected it from. The society and the government has laws for it but still we can’t identify those bastards around us

If you’re a guy/man and ever done something like that, dude you’re going to see hell right here on earth

I regret not hitting him in the balls or maybe killing him when he started doing all that. Incidents like these leave a scar in people’s mind especially when they occur at a tender age!

This is one of the reasons why India is at the top in Rape Culture.

That asshole would have done the same to idk how many more girls.

I won’t let that incident deteriorate me or slow me down.

I know I am on a path of success and such obstacles can’t do anything, but I am a human too and I get hurt too! I just hope others’ who have faced such shit like me, do come up and talk about it because this is something that needs to be heard and stopped so raise your voice.

Not all assets are good ones!

Some assets don’t take time converting into asses!

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Next blog will be out soon.
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Desai Thoughts MEdia.

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